Anticipated regret

I was reflecting on my propensity for indecision which, despite all my spiritual practice, is a trap I seem to fall into way more than anyone else. And the notion of anticipated regret came to mind (which I'm sure I must have read about somewhere, despite it feeling like a fresh idea of mine).

Anticipated regret is the experience right now of the regret that we think we may feel in the future, typically about decisions we are currently considering making. This unpleasant feeling may well affect our decisions, sometimes wisely and sometimes less so.

The mind sure is twisty! We're imagining now that in the future we'll feel bad about the past, which ruins the present. This reminds me of some ideas from Bernardo Kastrup's More Than Allegory:

The sophistication and skill with which we trick ourselves in these circular cognitive games is dazzling. We imagine a future wherein we remember a past wherein we predicted a future that matches the future we are now imagining. From this tortuous intertwining of imaginings we conclude that the future and the past must exist, well, objectively, even though all the while we’ve never left the present. Wow! Do you see how we create past and future out of thin air? Past and future are myths: stories in the mind. If you truly grok this, you will be dumbfounded.

The usual process for me is trying to curtail the anticipated regret by collecting more data, or trying to think more clearly, so that the right answer becomes clear. (Spoiler alert: it never does.) But the longer that process lasts, the more I'm reinforcing the propensity for regret in the mind -- which means that I'm more likely to regret the decision no matter what it is. That's obviously bad. Worse, because the building feeling of anticipated regret is interpreted as regret that will be felt later (if I make the wrong decision), it becomes all the more important that I get the answer right. You see where this goes.

Any sane person would just put his foot down, make a decision, and live with it. But alas, I'm me, so I'm going to sit here and philosophize.

Next up is this quote from one Vinay Gupta:

Lowering the mental background noise means going through all the emotional layers and all of the attachments that generate thought. A single emotion that you don’t really deal with properly can generate 5 years of internal chatter. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I? You finally come back and it’s this deep feeling of uncertainty about your place in the world. You feel it – it goes away. You’ve been liberated of an emotion, that stream of thought stops. And as a result your mind gradually empties and empties and empties and empties. 

(emphasis mine) 

That sounds closer to the root of the problem. Anticipated regret isn't really about what's going to happen -- though the mind is entirely convincing in its assertion that yes, that is what it's about, because yadda yadda. It's about an unresolved emotion now. It feels inconceivable that a "real problem" that has its roots in the past and tentacles in the future could be resolved now, but that's part of the central illusion. Bernardo again:

Existence only appears substantial because of our intellectual inferences, assumptions, confabulations and expectations. What is actually in front of our eyes now is incredibly elusive. The volume of our experiences—the bulk of life itself—is generated by our own internal myth-making. We conjure up substance and continuity out of sheer intangibility. We transmute quasi-emptiness into the solidity of existence through a trick of cognitive deception where we play both magician and audience. In reality, nothing ever really happens, for the scope of the present isn’t broad enough for any event to unfold objectively. That we think of life as a series of substantial happenings hanging from a historical timeline is a fantastic cognitive hallucination.

It would be nice to have a deep insight into the emptiness of time all the, uh, time, but if one has had even a glimpse of this truth, it ought to lend credence to the idea that resolving the unease now is key.

Or, as the sane person would put it: just make a decision and have faith that it will work out. 

A closer look

Close your eyes and listen carefully to a sound. Normally we think of "consciousness" as a property that you have that lets you experience the world. Instead, I now want you to conceive of consciousness as more like a substance that is currently taking the form of whatever sound you are intently listening to. Can you get the sense that "sound is made of consciousness?"

Some find this immediately intuitive. Others find it a little harder. Surely sound is made of something like air waves? If this is where you find yourself, just reflect on the fact that all experience happens in your mind. Sound, as one such experience, can therefore only be made of mind-stuff. Here we're just giving that stuff the name "consciousness." Don't let this remain just an idea: close your eyes and see that this is what noises actually are.

You can do this with other sensory objects, too. More subtly, do it with emotions and feelings. Finally, notice that your thoughts are also made of this "stuff."

Become really interested in what this "stuff" is. Be like a scientist in the field, examining it from every angle, in every guise. What, exactly, is it?

Now comes the really interesting question: who wants to know? "Well, I want to know, of course!" But that thought -- like all thoughts -- is just consciousness itself, in one of its infinite costumes. Try to find this "I" that wants to know. Maybe you feel a sensation behind your eyes, where it feels like the "I" must be. But this sensation is just consciousness shining, as well; no more special here than in any of its other myriad incarnations.

What if there is no "privileged position" where this one-who-is-conscious sits? What if the very idea of such a one is a myth; a story that's been told for so long that it seems too obvious to doubt?

But discovering the illusoriness of the supposed "I" is only half the fun. Because even if there's nobody there to be curious about what, exactly, this consciousness stuff is, it has become pretty damn interested in itself.

It's ineffable and ungraspable, yet "your" whole world is made of it. Look around. Pretty awesome, huh? And if you've ever had a moment where you're in awe of life's majesty and wonder, it's this magnificent substance you've been bowing before.

Whatever it is, it really deserves a closer look, doesn't it?